Supporting Your Partner Through Grief
The impact of losing a loved one can shake the foundation of a relationship.
It can be hard to know how to be there for our partners as they grieve, and witnessing their pain can create a deep sense of helplessness within us. However, research tells us that there are important ways we can best support our partners through this difficult time.
Let’s start by learning more about what research by Professor Kari Dyregrov tells us about grief:
Myths about Grief
Grief follows a set of distinct stages, with emotions occurring in a specific and predictable order
The truth is, there is no singular, universally accepted way to grieve; each person experiences grief in their own unique manner and must find their own individual path and personal pace through the challenging journey.
Being told how you should experience grief can be incredibly alienating. Instead, it is important to validate the experience of the bereaved and allow them to express the experience without it being interpreted through the lens of these stages.
Everyone must go through a grieving process
Grief work isn’t necessary for everyone, and that’s ok. Some people don’t experience the same intensity of emotion that is expected of them. These expectations can apply a harmful amount of pressure to process grief in a specific way or for a specific length of time.
It is a completely valid response for people to continue living life as they had before their loss and engage with activities that bring them joy. It is also a completely normal response to react more intensely and for longer than expected.
Many bereaved individuals face the misconception that grief has a clear start and end. However, Grief has been proven to often be a long-term experience. It is important to continue showing empathy for your partner’s pain and not expect them to “get over” the grief when our culture dictates that it’s appropriate.
How You Can Help
You don’t have to find the perfect words. You just have to be present.
Many family members, friends, and partners distance themselves from their loved one who is grieving because they aren’t sure what to say to comfort them. This can be extremely painful for them and lead them to feel isolated and burdensome in their grief.
The most important thing to communicate to your partner is, in essence, “I am here for you”. You can either state this outright or lean into other forms of comforting physical touch.
Sometimes, the biggest comfort you can provide someone is to hold them close when words aren’t enough. This communicates to your partner that you aren’t afraid of their emotions and are able to be there with them as they express them.
Ask them what they need from you.
This may seem obvious, but you don’t have to anticipate your partner’s needs. Be honest about your own uncertainty and ask them directly how you can help. If they aren’t sure at the time, then reassure them that you are there to listen if a need comes up.
Perform acts of service.
Grief can be a debilitating experience that can greatly influence a person’s capacity to perform everyday tasks. Acts of service like cleaning, cooking, and taking on more of the mental load of household chores can be a huge help. Examples of chores that add to a person’s mental load include making grocery lists, scheduling appointments, and keeping track of general household needs.
Practice patience and give grace.
Both you and your partner need to do your best to give one another grace through this time. Your partner is likely experiencing significant emotional dysregulation and this can lead them to behave more erratically than before their grief.
At the same time, you may feel more distant from your partner as a result of this or feel as though you have a lost them as a big support system in your life. This can often trigger feelings of abandonment and resentment to rise up and create conflict in the relationship.
Try and remember that this new relational dynamic is temporary. You will both eventually settle into a new equilibrium.
Seek out your own support system.
As you navigate this difficult period, it is likely that you will also need a steady support system to rely on. Supporting someone through grief can be extremely difficult and it is important to reach out to friends or family to continue prioritizing your own needs in your life.
Reaching out to other sources aside from one’s partner for support can be challenging for a lot of people. You can begin by simply asking if someone in your life is available for a good vent session. If this feels too uncomfortable right away, then you can also schedule a session with an individual therapist to help guide you through this time.
Works Cited
Effective Grief and Bereavement Support. The Role of Family, Friends, Colleagues, Schools and Support Professionals. Author(s) Atle Dyregrov; Kari Dyregrov.
